By Coach Antoinette, Mental Performance Coach & Host of The Mental Weight Room Podcast
Let’s set the scene.
You’re in the stands with your travel mug, your team shirt, your folding chair that’s seen more action than a minivan in carpool traffic. The game starts. The lineup is posted. And then it hits you like a rogue foul ball…
YOUR KID ISN’T STARTING.
Worse yet—your kid is on the bench. Sitting. Watching. Cheering, hopefully. But most definitely not playing.
Cue the mental spiral:
- “How DARE they bench my baby?”
- “Does the coach even KNOW who they’re dealing with?”
- “Should I say something? I should say something. I’m definitely saying something.”
Sound familiar?
Trust me—you’re not alone. As a mental performance coach (and mom of two former college baseball players), I’ve seen some of the calmest PTA moms morph into rage-filled maniacs when their kid’s playing time takes a dip. But here’s the thing: this moment, right here, is a defining one. For your kid, yes—but also for you. Because how you respond when your child gets benched sets the tone for his mindset moving forward.
If you’ve ever found yourself teetering on the edge of a sideline meltdown – and if you haven’t yet, trust me you will – here are five tips to help you support your child without making the situation worse—or getting ejected from the stands.
1. Model Emotional Maturity (Even if You’re Screaming Inside)
You may be angry, confused, or heartbroken—and that’s okay. It means you care. It’s okay to be disappointed. You love your kid. You want him to shine. But remember: your child is watching you more closely than the scoreboard. If you throw a silent fit in your seat, glare at the coach all game, and then unleash a full play-by-play critique on the car ride home, your kid learns that this—panic, blame, bitterness—is how we respond to challenges. Instead, try this:
- “That must’ve been hard. Want to talk about it?”
- “It’s okay to be disappointed.”
- “I love watching you play. I also love watching you grow.”
- “Sometimes bench time builds better leaders than game time.”
These responses will likely earn you an eye-roll, but they’ll help your athlete develop emotional intelligence and resilience.
2. Don’t Turn the Coach Into the Villain (Even If He Is One)
Let’s be real: you may want to storm the dugout with spreadsheets, highlight reels, and game film to prove your cherub’s rightful place in the starting lineup. But blaming the coach rarely helps—and almost always backfires.
The message your child hears isn’t “you’re talented.”
It’s “you’re entitled.” Instead, shift the focus from the coach’s decisions to your child’s choices. Say things like:
- “You can’t always control the lineup, but you can always control your effort.”
- “This is hard, but it’s also part of growing up in the game.”
What your child needs is a parent who can zoom out and see the bigger picture, not a fixer.
3. Normalize the Struggle (Even the GOAT Got Cut)
The shift from star to sub is more common than most people think—especially during those transition years, like moving from middle school to high school or high school to college. The field gets bigger. The competition gets tougher. Suddenly, being the best on your old team doesn’t guarantee you’ll start on the new one. Even Michael Jordan—yes, the Michael Jordan—was cut from his varsity basketball team as a high school sophomore. To make matters worse, one of his best friends made the team while he didn’t. It was a crushing blow. But instead of letting the rejection define him, MJ used it as fuel. He trained harder, sharpened his skills, and came back stronger. That moment is often credited as the the key moment that ignited his legendary career. Remind your child:
- “Every athlete faces this at some point.”
- “It doesn’t mean you’re not good—it means the challenge just got real.”
When your child learns to treat the bench not as punishment, but as a proving ground, they’re far more likely to rise to the occasion—and come back better for it.
4. Encourage Ownership and Action (In Your Kid NOT You)
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to understand what’s going on. But instead of obsessively ruminating over who’s getting more minutes or innings than your kid and why, help him take ownership of the situation. Use these conversation starters:
- “What feedback have you gotten lately?”
- “What’s one area you want to improve this week?”
- “What can you do to be prepared to step in when your chance comes?”
- “What can you do to be a team-leader from the bench?”
It’s tempting to do the heavy lifting for them—to email the coach, request a meeting, write a ten-point proposal—but that robs your child of the chance to learn, grow, and self-advocate.
(And trust me, nothing makes a coach’s eyebrows twitch faster than a parent emailing about playing time.)
5. Celebrate Invisible Wins
Sure, the stat sheet may be empty—but sitting on the bench is NOT a waste of time. This is when you get to help your child recognize and own the wins that don’t show up in the box score. Showing up early. Lifting up teammates. Staying locked in. Staying ready. When those things happen, name them. Praise them:
- “I saw you cheering for your teammates—that showed real leadership.”
- “You’re showing a lot of grit right now. I’m proud of how you’re handling this.”
- “It’s tough to
Setbacks, adversity and failure is where mental toughness is built. Every athlete wants to play. But not every athlete knows how to lead from the bench. That’s a life skill.
Final Thoughts: It’s Not About the Spotlight
Playing time can be emotional. And watching your child sit when you know what they’re capable of? That stings. But this moment—this awkward, uncomfortable, deeply human moment—is exactly where mental toughness is born. Your job as a parent is not to storm the gates.
It’s to walk alongside your child with wisdom, grace, and calm curiosity.
And if you feel stuck—like your encouragement isn’t getting through—mental performance coaching can help. It gives athletes the tools to manage emotions, find their focus, and own their growth.
Curious what that looks like? Press the big yellow button to BOOK A FREE SESSION. You’ve got nothing to lose.
